Ah~ Even i myself also know that i am not capable of things that i don't do... but i do know...
(story begins)
woke up early this morning... at about 9 since my class is at 12.30 and i have to catch my 12 o clock bus to school... i did procrastinate a bit when it comes to waking up.. i snooze alarm till about 9.50 only i could get my ass off my bed... and i went to my Lappie.. my culture alright to sit in front of y lappie...
then then... i went to campus and uhm... i went to this tutorial... Principles of Microeconomics... and it was time to get back our mid term... one thing strike me in fear, i gave one of my answer sheet to chowwei and what if the hand writing is the same and we got caught? shoot~~
so tutor was like giving back our test paper ... they passed the test paper around and they didn't pass it to me... shoot, is tutor holding my paper? i am in deep shit right now... what if i got into trouble and got barred from sitting my examination? what if i got chowwei into trouble again? oh god..
but i can't move now.. what if i am in trouble and if tutor scold me in front of the class? i am seriously in deep shit..
and so after the discussion, seeing people passing up their paper and left the class, i went to the tutor and asked : "Uhm, miss (forgotten her name) where is my paper?"
i took a glance to her table and try to find my paper...
then a classmate came to me and gave me my paper "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU HOLDING MY PAPER FOR?"
so i took a deep breath and flip my paper...
22/50..
deep shit, this result SUCK SHIT~! i felt a sense of failure in my veins.. i hate failures.. i hate to see that i am failing a subject.. i hardly fail a subject for my dad~ i hardly fail a subject~ i hardly fail a finance subject~!
oh shoot... without seeing my answer, without correcting them.. i don't feel good anymore and i passed up... straight away i punched in my mummy's number...
(mum was tired to listen to my voice maybe, because i called her this morning to blah all my problems)
"yea shan shan?"
"mummy i failed my paper" (and i tried to sound like i've had it)
"ah? what paper o?"
"Microeconomics la... mummy i cannot fail anymore, i wanna drop accounts"
"you wanna take what course then?"
"PR la~~ i've already told papa i don't like accounts dy.. see my shit result"
"ah okay okay.. i'll tell papa... we talk next week k?"
i hung up and i don't feel good.. i hate to talk to others when i am in deep shit.. just the feeling of crying in front of bunch of people ain't feeling good...
and so i went to message my eldest brother since he is the one who is in the same shit with me... (papa forced him to drop photography too, he ended up refusing to talk to papa and papa ended up letting him do what he wanted)
Miraculously, my eldest brother called me... (the last call from him was last year.. FEH!) but i didn't know it was him because he used his office phone to call me...
"hello?" he said
"hello?" (damn this voice is kinda familiar...)
"hello?"
"is this... (i was about to say Grand Kampar) OH ~! KOR KOR~!!!" to be frank i was glad and DAMN happy that it was him~~ i miss him a lot~!
"ah, who do you think it is lea?"
"i thought it was Grand Kampar ma"
"why ? you need to wait a call from them?"
"no la... nothing much.. so what'suup? what happened?"
"i am the one who is supposed to ask you what happened ah"
"oh ... no la... i failed my subject"
"why fail? what subject?"
"i dunno lea... Microeconomics lo"
"har? Microeconomics ah? oh... that one a bit harder..."
"yea la... and there's one more subject i don't understand... Financial Information Management"
"huh ? that one quite easy de wor..."
"for me it's not ma... kor, your sister me is not a bright student.. i've already told papa i cannot do..."
"oh then what you want to do?"
"i was thinking of PR"
"oh... then you ask for course transfer lo"
i was like WHAT when he said this.. last time, once i told him i wanted to drop out of school to help daddy work to earn more money and he was like "NO! ARE YOU CRAZY WOMAN?"
"serious o? i thought you would be like... don't want me to stop"
this one... i totally understand kor... he didn't like accounting and now he's taking ACCA because papa wanted him to take it.. i adore this man a lot... strong at heart... he failed 2 papers... but still he's in it... i love him~!
"no la..."
ah.. i felt so much better talking to my korkor.. he's such a relieve... and so i went to class and daddy called me...
"shan where are you?"
"in my room lo."
"what happened o? you failed what subject o?"
"microeconomics lo"
"what mark did you get o?"
"22 over 50 nia!!!"
"OKAY MA~!"
"but papa i told you i don't like accounting dy ma..."
"aiya... never mind de ma... can geh"
"i seriously cannot la"
"never mind, next week i come and talk to you k?"
aicks.. i think i have a slight hope... but please let this be true, i can't handle~
and jie jie told me that i am the strongest among the 4 siblings... i was like.. i wouldn't be sure of that... remember when i have problems, she would be the first one i cry to... and what? jie cried to me only once... Hao, i might not say he's strong because he once cried when mummy went on a vacation (haha~!) and korkor... i always thought that he is the strongest...
"no la shan... trust me... you are the strongest"
i uh.. i wanted to write a letter to papa... i wanted to give this to him but i don't have the guts... here goes:
Daddy,
Daddy, I don't fit the picture, I'm not who you want me to be, Sorry. Under the radar, out of the system, caught it the spotlight, that's my existance. You want me to change, But all i feel is strange, in your perfect world. I feel so absurd in this life. You want to fix me, push me, into your fantasy. You try to give me, sell me, a new personality. You try to lift me, i don't get better, what's making you happy, is making me sadder. In your golden cage, all i feel is strange.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't fulfill your quota of "having at least an accountant in the house". I myself isn't a strong one at heart. I myself isn't a bright student. I myself couldn't force myself to love something that i don't. I am sorry dad.
Since i was Form 4, i started to take accounts. I was having an idea of staying in Science since the school put me in there. I begged you to let me stay but you said accounts was good for my future. It was no point fighting with you because you have your rights and i was only 15. I worked very very hard indeed. I score myself 6As for you at the end of the year and i even brought at award back as the Best Student of Arts Stream. I wanted my daddy to be proud of me.
Form 5, i got a little tired of Accounts because there were some chapters or some parts that i really don't enjoy... it pressured me a little... but still i worked hard because i dare not cross the line by not fulfilling your dreams. I tried hard and i got an A2 in SPM and the 2nd Grade in LCCI. and Daddy, you offered me a job at your company to work alongside with your sister Aunt Pat and i accepted it. Because i didn't want to waste my time for 5 solid months
Year of 2009, 2nd of January. i started working with you. As a little accountant. I keep tracks of things. Stocks, Purchases, Sales, Petty Cash Book. EVERY EFFIN' THING. I was afraid that i might mess up things in Dynamic. I am afraid of being scolded in the office. I did the account wrongly once and i got lectured. I ended up losing my appetite. Mum always say why i lose appetite. I couldn't admit it was pressure from work. But once i really got fed up with accounts, i told you i wanted another job. You straight away banged the chair and scolded me that accounts was for my own good. Daddy, i know you wanted a future for me by then. And so i went to work as usual.
May, i enroll myself in Foundation. I was happy that i was here. Accounts, i know what the lecture talking about. So my groupmates used me to finish up my Assignment. I have to admit that it was pressure because i was looking at the accounts balance sheet with a question mark in my head. I consulted Puiyee's brother since he graduated as an Auditor. I got my assignment done and swore to myself, i must hate this subject. But in the end. I score myself a 2.98. I was happy and Daddy you were happy for me too!
I thought that i might get myself a little change so i asked dad to give me permission for you to let me go on this trip with my friends. But dad said "you've been spending time with your friends, can't you spend your sem break with me?". That's fair dad, i'd stay with you.
Then comes the second Deadly subject. Introduction to Cost Accounting. I was thinking, whether this stupid thing is the same thing as the Accounts i had before. I flipped through the notes. It wasn't. It wasn't~! i couldn't do this subject because i don't understand a thing. Maybe the other reason, it would be i refused to work hard when i hate a subject. But i worked UBER hard when it comes to the final. I ended up leaving 3 questions blank and i only did one question. I didn't know how to do! I got it pass as a C. I guess i did well in my assignment.
Degree. Degree life ain't honeymoon period i dare say. As you said, i have to get accounts for my future. Here I am. Bachelor of Commerce (Hons) Accounting. I hate that name freaking much as i got to know that i am doing a subject - Financial Information Management. This is another name for Cost Accounting. I have another nightmare. I tried on doing all those tutorials and i ended up leaving them couldn't be understood. I once refused to go into class because i am afraid of this subject. I couldn't see the tutor in the eyes. I couldn't do it. And now, i myself thought that i could score marks on Principles of Microeconomics, in the end i can't. I tried hard and i failed. I couldn't bare failures dad. I just couldn't.
Right now, i would love you to consider enrolling me into Public Relations. I promise i would work hard. The 5000 that i spent on nothing, i promise, i will pay you back in cheque. I promise, i'll pay more on your new house. I promise i'll stay by your side till the end of our Days. But dad, please don't give me pressure. And i need freedom that i deserve right now.
I am sorry for letting you down. But look at me, i'll be hosting successful event, put that in your diary Dad.
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